No Point in Going on
Preposterous fake news articles redundant with election of Trump
After November’s Great American Brainfart in which a firm minority of Americans preferred an unqualified lying sack of shit to a woman for leader, the Editor of the West Coast Fliar has decided that there is absolutely no point in creating hilarious but obvious lies having anything to do with American politics.
Now that Donald Trump is President, no bullshit fake article we come up with can come close to the bullshit the man does every day in real life. What’s the point?
So to all his supporters who think walling yourself off from the world and that the only part of the Constitution worth keeping is the Second Amendment, you can rest easy as the Fliar will be leaving you alone to wallow in the trough of your victory. There are plenty of other failed states, like Somalia, that we can pick on for the next few years.
Customers Enraged at “Skinny Basic Cable”
Owner Says “That’s what basic tv was!”
As the CRTC ordered, cable companies rolled out their ‘basic cable’ services March 1st all over Canada. Offerings vary from provider to provider, some include no American stations, none include sports networks. One company in the Lower Mainland has enraged customers with it’s meagre offer.
Geezatron Communications $25 a month ‘basic’ package includes only CBC TV, and on top of that it is $10.95 per month to rent the decoder. The owner, 72 year old Iggy Schwartz insists that if the government orders him to provide basic TV, well this really is basic TV. The special decoder only delivers CBC and converts the digital signal back to analog, adding fuzz, vertical rolls, fading in and out of the black and white only picture and intermittent crackling on the sound track.
“That’s exactly what basic tv was,” he claimed, adding “Maybe in a couple years we’ll add KVOS Bellingham and then that Victoria station if it’s still there!”
“What are they whining about? At least your little sister doesn’t need to hang on to the rabbit ears with one hand and the venetian blinds with the other to get anything at all.”
15,000 Immigrants Arrive in January
“Oh please, this place is freezing, send us home!”
Planeloads of excited immigrants quickly changed their tune when they rushed off the flights, kissed the ground in gratitude and their lips froze to the tarmac. Paramedics were rushed to the scene while a police cordon held back former Tories offering to thaw the immigrant’s lips free with propane blowtorches.
Former members of the Harper caucus complained about the millions spent to fly them in. “They were already in boats, they could’ve kept paddling, through the Strait of Gibraltar and across the Atlantic”, said one. Said another, “The money could have been better spent droppiing bombs on their heads!”
Spacecraft Captures Pictures of Earth 100 Years From Now
Approaches Black Hole, Light from the future captured
Images from the New Horizons spacecraft, which scientists believed were images of Pluto have now been determined to be actual pictures of Earth 103 years and 4 months in the future.
The craft had actually flown right out of the Milky Way and crossed the event horizon of a previously undiscovered black hole where it captured light from the future in its digital lenses. The dark areas in the photo were once the oceans which were drained to recover oil once the price bottomed out at $2 a barrel.
The light area is what remains of the former continents once Republican-Conservative New World Order Party allowed expansion of the Alberta oil sands. It appears that what remains of humanity has settled on Mars and is supplied by the Endridge Space Gateway pipeline fully funded by public money raised through a 1000% GST. The native population of Martian Aliens were all rounded up and gassed, which RC Party members insist does not make them fascists. “How can we be like Nazis? They weren’t even Jewish! They worshiped some slimy green Entity they called U’gluthoo”, said Senator Luther P. Butticks, bastard great-great grandchild of Sarah Palin.
Lutonia Offers to Replace Canada in ISIS Fight
We have hundreds of fighter planes you can use
The tiny nation of Lutonia has offered to replace Canada’s six fighter planes with as many as the anti-terrorist coalition asks for. Prime Minister Yosh Schmenge says they have hundreds of leftover planes from it’s former Soviet days before independence.
“Only problem is”, said Schmenge, “there are no pilots. You must come get them and bring pilots. All of ours quit the Lutonian Air Force to become accordion players in Polka bands once there was no more USSR to defend.”
With no need of any Armed Forces, as no country in their right mind would attack such a miserable and backward country, Lutonia saw 79% of enlisted men and 100% of officers not qualified for pensions emigrate within six months of independence. Most became cabbage farmers, but almost 92% of accordion players in polka bands worldwide claim a Lutonian heritage.