Author Archives: admin

Dining Reviews

Gotta stop posting dining reviews as people seem to take exception to comments like

“All the ambience of a People’s Liberation Army mess hall”
“If you like Chef Boyardee, this mangiacake attempt at Italian dining is up your alley”
“As Japanese as a Honda Accord built in Detroit on a Wednesday”
“So loud you know why the millenials are texting their dates across the table”
“Calamari is Greek for squid in other places, here it’s a dialect for rubber bands in used motor oil”
“I ate there, once”
“The ‘flamethrower burger’ was so spicy I could actually taste something

Five and Dime

If someone asks why you still call a Dollar Store the Five and DIme Store you can tell them it’s because anything there actually worth a dollar costs five dollars and ten cents….

Outdoor Wildlife Safety Tips

by Emperor Haile Unlikely

With camping season about to begin, it is time to remember some basic tips regarding the local wildlife you may encounter. While not like Australia where every single creature is poisonous or will disembowel or eat you at the first chance, some here do have habits that can cause a dangerous situation.

If you encounter a bear do not attempt to cover your hands with honey and take a cute selfie to post on Facebook. High sugar intake is a problem with all wildlife and the Parks Service does not want to promote type II diabetes among bears.

As you may know wolverines are very aggressive and have sharp claws. The react very badly when cornered, so it is advisable if you are camping and need to use the outhouse. peer down into it and make sure there are no wolverines scavenging amongst the muck down there. Should you see one, leave the door open, go around the back and kick the wall three times. That will scare the wolverine and it will run away. Foreign tourists remark on this curious ritual of seasoned Canadian campers so one should explain it to them.
Remind them that should there be a wolverine down there, sitting on the seat will block the light and cause the animal to believe it is cornered. It will use those 6 inch (15cm) claws to tear its way out which may result in serious and embarrassing injury to you.

The Buttsnake
While we’re on the subject of outhouses, even though they are extremely rare and there have been only three recorded cases in history, the buttsnake could present a problem. If you sit on the seat there is an off-chance it will immediately slither into the first warm dark orifice it can find, which may be yours. Although they are not venomous, they must be removed surgically.

Living only in the Yukon, Nunavut and Northwest Territories, these rare cow sized beasts are seldom a problem as they cannot and will not enter a tent, cabin or camper. They are only a problem if you sleep outdoors and are stone drunk or sedated, as they are noisy as hell and can’t possibly sneak up on you. They normally prey on dying, badly wounded or incapacitated animals.
The lungsucker leans in and covering the prey’s mouth and nose with it’s huge meaty lips, quickly inflates it large chest and sucks the lungs out and bites them off. Similar to how your intestines blow out if the airplane toilet depressurizes.

I’m not referring to the common mosquitoes or blackflies here, but the Northern Furry Bloodsucker that inhabits only the Southern grassy plains in Saskatchewan and part of Alberta. This weasel sized rodent has the nose of an anteater with a single sharp hollow tooth. It rams it’s prey, takes a quick suck of blood then runs away. Little more than a minor annoyance, the quick jab does hurt and there’s a remote chance if you’re sitting and sunning yourself on the beach it cold hit the femoral artery and you could bleed out if you’re too stupid to bandage or put pressure on the wound.

Pacific Slug
Another minor annoyance, the garden slugs in south-western British Columbia are know to grow to a rather large size and when stepped on with bare feet make such a disgusting mess that a large percentage of victims will involuntarily puke. As will anyone so thick they don’t know the banana slug is only named that because it’s the size and colour of a banana and try to eat one.

Ocean Terrors
Few and far between in Canada are the dangerous inhabitants of the our three seas. Anyone goofy enough to swim in the Arctic Ocean risks being skewered by a narwhal’s unicorn-like horn. In the Atlantic, lobsters usually scurry away but have been known to bite off and consume the fingers and toes of infants or even adults the size of MiniMe.
In the Pacific ocean there is a risk of inhaling and smothering on large jelly-blobs. as yet unnamed because scientists are unable to come up with something disgusting enough in Latin. On the open ocean around Long Beach there have been sightings of Finnish Great White Sharks, a subspecies that enjoys the shock of an occasional cold plunge. The Inside Passage is incredibly safe, only kayakers stoned out of their nuts present a danger. This may change if Conservatives and Albertans get their way and all organic life is sucked through the props and shredded by supertankers.



Galactic Travel Blog

Recently a lutonium leak on our cruise ship forced to make a temporary stop for repairs at the Kingdom of Putzonia, a minor planet in the Znargh cluster that I hadn’t visited in ten years. Oddly, the only reason I was there the first time was when I was covering the Galactic Conference and our ship was delayed for minor repairs while picking up the Putzian corespondent.
At that time, King Bozoid III was facing a huge economic problem, having conquered the entire planet, stuck with a huge standing army he no longer needed and all treasures plundered and in his personal treasury there was no economy to speak of. Cruel, brutal and taher simple-minded Bozoid came up with a rather unique solution.
Before we get into that, let me describe the mindset of the Putzonian people. Ruled by Kings and Emperors for thousands of years they are a basically feudal and fiercely loyal society. And did I mention simple-minded? The favorite game of the Bozoid line of royalty and it’s subjects was the simple card game of Solitaire. So much so, there are no other sports to speak of.
After his final victory, about one year before I had arrived there the first time the King decided that he would create an economy and reduce his army with this simple game. A grand tournament at the top of 8,000m Razorside Mountain was held in a newly constructed stadium.
One  by one soldiers were forced to play a hand of solitaire before the gathered crowd. If they won , they were rewarded with an amount the equivalent of a years salary for every point they scored above what the King had set as “par” and dismissed from the army. If they won by over 25 points the amount was doubled in what became known as “the King’s penny” by the audience. Should the player not make par, he was returned to the Army.
Shockingly to off-worlders,  if the player lost the hand, they were pitched over the wall and slid down miles of razor sharp rocks where their remains er picked over by crows. By the time I first attended this event, the bones and rotted flesh covered up to the 2,000m level. When I asked my hosts at the time how the people put up with such cruelty, I was met with open mouthed astonishment. The King “said”… “those were the rules”… “was i some sort of liberal regressive”… “shut up or you’ll be next”… etc. Questioning the King was completely unheard of and an alien concept to these people.

Things had changed upon my latest visit, though not much for the better. I learned the size of the Army had been cut by over 5,000,000 men. About 3.5 million to the crows. King Bozoid III had died in his sleep of Terminal Flatulence and his heir Blupon II had ascended to the throne.
Blupon was not only simple-minded, he was actually mentally challenged and a mutant to boot. With one seal like flipper, he presided over Round Two of the Games while slobbering, drooling and talking with a lisp due to a tongue the size of a small dog.
Round Two now consisted of basically the same rules, but consisted of those left from Round One and those who volunteered. Death for those who lost their hand was not mandatory, it was now a program to distribute wealth and weed out the “stupid” from Blupon’s remaining army. If a player made the slightest mistake during play, sharp eyed spectators would rise in their seat and point at him, screaming “DUHHHH!!!” at the top of their lungs. The King would then stand and acknowledge the duh, and after a second duh the king had the discretion to make it a “Death Game” where the player was shot in the back of the head or garroted should they lose.
Blupon is known to be inattentive and let things slide, often a third duh is required. Realize the immense pressure on a player to not make any mistakes with 35,000 people pointing at you and screaming “Duh”, “Fool”, “Kill Him” at the top of their lungs!
At the time of my latest visit, Blupon had been ill with an infection from self-gratification with his flipper hand and the crowd had taken it to themselves to impose “Death Games” without consent of their King. Dozens were slain, including some who weren’t allowed to complete the game first and many with only a single duh. One who had been double duhhed, yet went on to score a “king’s Penny” win made the mistake of gloating to the crowd and was beaten to death by spectators like a Sanders Democrat at a Trump rally.
The King was so enraged, that upon his return to the stadium, in a spit and stuttered rant forced everyone who had attended the Games during his absence rounded up and forced to become contestants.

When I departed, every vacant bunk was taken by previous Games winners leaving the planet for somewhere else. Rumours abounded that Bluford’s infection had left him unable to produce an heir to the throne and no one wanted to be around should he not survive his next attempt at self-gratification.

What are Phlegumes?

Derived from legumes, or commonly known as veggies.

Phlegumes are vegetables cooked the way your Mom used to make them, boiled in an aluminum pot so damn long they were the consistency of snot.